And That's the Way It Is...
My arthritis has been acting up lately. Had some decent sized flareups, which is unusual, since I have been pretty free of them for almost 7-8 years. I thought it might be because that I stopped taking one of my medications. Methotrexate is a cancer treatment drug that somehow helps against rheumatoid arthritis, they don't know how. So a cancer treatment, sooo, chemotherapy is what I am taking. And yes when I take it, it makes me sick for like 24 hours. I got tired of feeling that way and stopped taking it. I still had my infusion every other month and I was doing fine. That was more than 6 months ago.
Sure it could be the fact that the weather has gotten colder and more damp and that is helping to trigger these things but I have a dark feeling that it is more than that. I have a feeling that I have built up an immunity to the wonder drug that has helped keep me foot loose and fancy free.
This morning is the worse I have been since the old days. Everything hurts. Bad. Even my hands have given up on me today and that is the first time since I don't know when. And Shannon has to work, so I am taking care of the kids today. I don't have the slightest idea how I am going to. Like how I used to operate under these conditions I guess. One step at a time. And that is quite a literal statement when I say that.
Shan had to get ready for work and the baby had just woken up so I had to feed her. It took me a half hour to get out of bed, get dressed, pick up the baby (which hurt so bad I cried) and got her changed and got to the front room. I managed to fit in a short breakdown as I was changing her. Just started crying and thinking dismal thoughts. The pain, both physical and emotional. How am I supposed to take care of a my family like this? How if this was even a remote possibility I shouldn't have gotten married and had kids. This isn't fair to them. Luckily Little peed all over and I got it together so I get things all cleaned up.
I have taken a huge dose of advil and vicodin to help. It doesn't take the pain away per se but makes me a little numb towards it. Numb is good. Numb is welcomed right now.
Sure it could be the fact that the weather has gotten colder and more damp and that is helping to trigger these things but I have a dark feeling that it is more than that. I have a feeling that I have built up an immunity to the wonder drug that has helped keep me foot loose and fancy free.
This morning is the worse I have been since the old days. Everything hurts. Bad. Even my hands have given up on me today and that is the first time since I don't know when. And Shannon has to work, so I am taking care of the kids today. I don't have the slightest idea how I am going to. Like how I used to operate under these conditions I guess. One step at a time. And that is quite a literal statement when I say that.
Shan had to get ready for work and the baby had just woken up so I had to feed her. It took me a half hour to get out of bed, get dressed, pick up the baby (which hurt so bad I cried) and got her changed and got to the front room. I managed to fit in a short breakdown as I was changing her. Just started crying and thinking dismal thoughts. The pain, both physical and emotional. How am I supposed to take care of a my family like this? How if this was even a remote possibility I shouldn't have gotten married and had kids. This isn't fair to them. Luckily Little peed all over and I got it together so I get things all cleaned up.
I have taken a huge dose of advil and vicodin to help. It doesn't take the pain away per se but makes me a little numb towards it. Numb is good. Numb is welcomed right now.
4 Comments:
That makes me hurt just reading that. I hope it all gets better for you. Hang in there!
mama always said, "ain't no hill for s stepper" - yeah, it always pissed me off too, but it's true. you do what you have to do, and whatever falls through the cracks most likely wasn't that important.
don't forget that you have the hands and legs of a 4 year old living with you. it's not too early for her to learn about helping out and being a team player.
and there's always oklahoma with a big support network waiting to fill in where ever and whenever we can.
Never, ever think you shouldn't have gotten married and had kids! I look at the photos of you and your family and you look SO happy! You deserve to have that. Also, your family deserves to have you. You're a great person and even if things aren't perfect, it doesn't keep that from being true. You have a lot to give your kids, even if it's hard to do the physical stuff. I'm so sorry that it's hurting so much, but I know you're a strong person and you'll be able to deal with it (with a little breakdown here and there... that's just normal). ::giant hugs::
You helped us through our bad time last summer and I hate hearing that now you're going through it again. I will think lots and lots of good thoughts for you - and breakdowns are always okay, you have to remember that. Also remember that little ones LOVE to help out and knowing that she is helping her dad, especially with her little sister, will make her feel like a little grown-up. And Daddy's Little Girl, which is a very special thing.
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